Well, yes it has been a long time since I wrote. This was driven primarily because of the fact that my pursuit for making money took the centre stage. However, unexpectedly that did not transpire as well as it should have been.
Though the debt markets have been kind to my company in the last six months or so with a downward bias, unfortunately I have not been able to make the most of it. It was quite disappointing to say the least as many mandates just evaporated before anything could happen. There were times when I questioned my own commitment and efforts on them, but sadly there was little I could do to influence them in my limited capacity. The "Bharat" inside me felt suffocated and frustrated over my inability to control the extraneous factors. There was a sudden & dramatic dip in my zeal and enthusiasm for work itself. Even when questions were raised over these issues in my interaction with senior colleagues, I had no answer. In fact any answer would have tantamount to a justification, and I hate giving one. There is no grey as far as results are concerned. Its like a P& L a/c. You either make a loss or a profit. In my case it was latter & I was quite prepared to take the heat for the same.
In all this confusion, my soul searching quests sadly took a backseat. Rightly or wrongly so , I may not be able to comment as of now. I spent quite a lot of time thinking on what should be the road ahead. I suddenly found myself drawn into a whirlpool where I was choking for survival. Initially when things were offering hope, I was brimming with confidence & was fighting hard. But then, when things went totally awry, I was left clueless. I tried to focus & concentrate hard, but then being emotional has its consequences. The whole idea of starting from scratch really scared me. Yes, I do not think that there is any shame in admitting that I was scared.
So, I was left thinking at the start of the race whether this race will result in a win or loss. As much as I would like to run on a separate track where either there are few people running or none, performance would still be benchmarked against those running on the real tracks. And the real track offers no mercy.
As the year has drwan to a close & the new year dawns on me, new targets will be set & the race shall begin again....or it has already started. Though its splitinto quarters, but its only for the sake of convenience. Each night as I lie on my bed, its the conscious that doesnt allow a peaceful sleep than anything else.
I still have to run nevertheless, and seriously the tracks dont matter. There are again things which offer hope and I only need to hang on to them. Yes, mistakes have been realised & correction may be possible in the coming months ahead.
